The Mother of All Dog beater Stories
The Dogbeater enjoys collecting antique rifles and other ancient weapons (The DB owns the ACTUAL Excalibur!!). On a recent trip back through time, the Dogbeater brought 30 muskets back from the American Revolution (The Dogbeater has fought in every major war in history–not all of which have been recorded). At any rate, the muskets in question were taken after the Revolutionary War was over, to not interfere with the Brits getting their asses kicked Eureka! One day, during one of His twice daily 45 minute shits, the Dogbeater had an epiphany. Why not time travel to ancient Samurai Japan and trade the 30 muskets and training for some Samurai swords and training? The decision was made. The Dogbeater jumped up off the shitter, hit His head on the airbag installed on the bathroom ceiling (Whew!), and started to pull up His shorts. Oops! The DB forgot to wipe!
The Quest BeginsAfter cleaning up, the Dogbeater packed some Scooby Snacks and Iced Tea for the trip (He invented Iced Tea during a previous venture and now drinks 24 gallons of the Nectar of the Gods per day). His provisions and the muskets in tow, our Hero activated His time travel device and materialized in Ancient Feudal Japan (it allows Him to navigate through space as well as time). Upon His arrival, the DB located a village and set out to find a Samurai swordsman to exchange training and weaponry. As luck would have it, the Dogbeater found the second-best Samurai Swordsman in Japan and quickly struck a deal. The Dogbeater would be trained in the Art of the Samurai from midnight to noon every day.
Then, He would teach the Samurai in the Art of Musketry from noon to midnight every day. The only rest the pair would get would be a one minute per hour Iced Tea break (the DB could gulp down an entire gallon of Iced Tea in a minute flat), and a 45-minute shit breaks every twelve hours (this time sometimes doubled as a nap). The DB and the Samurai became lifelong friends and brothers during the year of training they shared. The Samurai became the second-best musketeer in history under the Dogbeater’s expert tutelage, and the DB became the second-best Samurai (Yes, He surpassed His Master) in ancient Japan.
The End of the Golden Age, Unfortunately, this Golden Age could not last forever. Word spread throughout the land that the two were the best Samurai. Tsukahara Bokuden, the real best Samurai, took offence and set out to kill the pair of smack talkers. It was a rainy day, and our Hero was teaching His musketeer student how to salute correctly with his musket. Tsukahara Bokuden rode up on his steed, swinging his blade. The sword was so sharp that it was able to split air molecules! This resulted in miniature explosions all around the edge as it turned through the air, breaking molecules nimbly! The Dogbeater was dumbfounded–never had He seen such a sight in all His long years of beating dogs and time-travelling… The Samurai swordsman brought his blade to bear in a mighty downward death blow toward the DB. Our Hero lifted His musket to try and defend Himself. However, the sharpest knife in the world split the carbine lengthwise (including the ball shot in the barrel!) with extreme ease and proceeded downward unimpeded to cut through the Dogbeater like a hot knife through butter. The DB was split lengthwise from head to taint! As the two halves of the Dogbeater’s body fell to the ground, the Samurai had already turned his attention to the Musketeer-in-Training. Having forgotten all of his musket training, he neglected to lift his musket to fire and was cut down with nary a fight.
When it Rains…After the Samurai left, the left half of the Dogbeater’s brain decided to take quick and decisive action. He quickly tourniquets both halves of His body lengthwise to stop the flow of blood. He then put the two halves of His body on ice and draped a damp towel to best preserve the halves for surgical reattachment. He time-travelled to the distant future where they could reattach His two halves and save His life (Resurrection? Perhaps…). Due to His quick thinking and decisive action, the hospital in the future was able to make the Dogbeater whole again! He would require five arduous years of physical therapy to return to His regular Dogbeater form. However, he did it, powered by hatred and thoughts of sweet revenge.
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. After the years of physical therapy, the Dogbeater was ready to implement His diabolical plan for revenge. He robbed Fort Knox of all of its gold and travelled back in time to ancient Japan–200 years before His encounter with the Samurai. He located the preeminent sword maker in all the land and commissioned a sword. This sword was to be the sharpest in history. He gave the sword maker the gold from Fort Knox and ordered that the metal for the sword be folded over and over again 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for 200 years. This would require the sword maker to hire a staff and pass on his expert sword, making knowledge through a succession of generations so that the sword could be expertly finalized 200 years hence. The Dogbeater then programmed His time travel device to take him 200 years into the future to claim his sword and exact sweet revenge!
When the DB arrived to retrieve His sword, the village was nothing but rubble. He rummaged through some debris and uncovered the sword, safely ensconced in its sheath.
History lesson briefly interrupts the story here to disclose a few truths to the reader. The Dogbeater fat-fingered the year He supplied to the time travel device, entering 1945 instead of 1545. He was standing in Nagasaki, Japan, on August 9, 1945. Most people don’t know this, but the United States only had one prototype nuclear device in 1945. They used it on August 6, 1945, to destroy Hiroshima, Japan. They then bluffed and told the Emperor of Japan that they had many of the devices. The Emperor called their bluff and continued to make war. He did not believe they had more than the one atom bomb. Now back to the story…
EndgameThe Dogbeater pulled the sword out of its sheath to marvel at its beauty. However, the sword was so sharp that it could split atoms. When the DB saw that the sword had cut a bit, He quickly time-travelled out of there to avoid the blast. This nuclear explosion destroyed Nagasaki and convinced the Emperor of Japan that the U.S. was not bluffing. He promptly surrendered, thus ending World War II without further loss of American lives. When the blast occurred, it propelled the sword with such speed and force that the sword sliced through time and space and arrived at the beginning of time. When it split an atom of primordial material, it created a blast so massive and so powerful that the entire Universe was created in what has recently been described as the “Big Bang.” This story does not support the scientific view of Creation, however.
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